Coming clean

Dear Dubois,

He said "He loved me". He did. He did! I'm not making this up! I haven't heard those words in a century it feels like. And he meant it. With every bone in his body he meant it. I felt it. I felt compete. I felt whole. I saw the future. It was me and him. Him and I. Laying next to each other. In love. At the stage of getting to know each other, with a scent of mystery. A little bit of lust and fun. Hands holding. Love making. I dreamt of that.

Dear emmy,

So what happen my dear? Was that it? Did your dream come true? I have a feeling where you are going with this.

Dear Dubois,

Because you know me so well! I let my fear get the best of me. My anxiety kicked in and hided my insurances with my anger. Hurting others is a temporary fix for me. It lets me know "If I'm hurting, I must hurt someone else." It's over isn't? Oh man! Not another one. Not another love gone wrong (due to the anger of Ms.Emmy her self?) Am I being to hard on my self? Has all of my love been the result of my uncontrolled anger? Did I ruin all of my relationships? I am honestly not sure. All I know is that I sit here, alone. Alone, some where I always end up being.

The truth is,
I want to be loved.
But I'm scared.
So I ruin my own relationships.
So they will leave.
I think because I am so afraid of being love.
Because Love = Pain
So I get really scared when someone tells me they love me.
Cause to me, they will leave me, stop loving me one day or hurt me.
That's all love has been to me and I just can't shake it.

He loved me. And he didn't hurt me. He didn't leave me.
I hurt him.
I left him.

But I want love Dubois! How can I find love if I'm scared of it?

I think I'm lovable, but I can't find anyone that can agree with that.
I just want to ask
"Is it true? That you don't love me anymore?"
"What should I do?"
"How can I get you to love me again?"
"No one had told me that they love me in years."
"Just tell me what I should do?"
"How can I fix it?"
"How can I be confidence?"
"How can I move on from the past hurt?"
"How can I be that desirable women that men want?"
"Especially from the love I want?"

I want to change and don't know how, Dubois?
I have been living in a circle for years.
And don't know how to get out.
I'm terrified of being alone.

I feel that I have lost a part of me after I become a mom.
So I feel that I don't like myself because i have nothing to offer.
So why should anyone love me back?
How can you be in love with an entry vassal?

- a women looking for answers,
emmy