my boyfriend

 I use my boyfriend as a ex.
So what what do I really really want.
I want a apartment that I can afford. Too live with my man and my son. To leave court with a clean record and nothing on my record. To work in the morning and go to college at night. With the help of my boyfriend and home health aid, my beautiful smart son will be fine. I think about starting a daycare still. That will bring in a lot of money. And a clothing store selling the best and cutest clothes. Having a college degree. Traveling. No longer be on meds and stuff from depression and morning axnitey. That would be lovely. To enjoy my mornings again.

So let's ppreten, let's preten I am married to johnny. Mikey is healed of autism by seeing doctor and taking supplements. I am healed from depression and anxiety. I am famous and a social lite for my popular young clothing stores. I have a book out. A book about living the best life.

How could i be so dumb?

How could i be so dumb?
I was just the Chelsea and nothing more.
I said "I know you are in love with me"....
He didnt respond. So i layed next to him, so sure he felt the same.
He would bring it up, talk about it and ask if i was in love with him.
So i was sure he felt that way. He tells me he loves me.
So why is he getting so upset about it if he loves me?
Because the one he really wanted wasnt me.
He doesnt listen to whats important to me.
He takes my money to buy his drugs.
He talks about her all the time.
And when i am upset, he doesnt care and doesnt want to hear it.
He doesnt care when im upset. Does that sound like a person who is in love with you?
Tony said he loved me but wasnt in love and this just feels like part 2.
Part 2 of heart brake.
He told me he was in love with me just to shut me up.
But i know at this point when im just game.
For i am no longer a child.

Have to get it out

You deleted me off FB today. Just like that. Our love is over. He told me the things I did pushed him away. But he was so selfish. The things he would do were just for him only. I loved him, I loved me dearly but I won't cry for you anymore. No, I wont. The feeling, the love, everything. I saw your potential but you wanted to do nothing. Nothing at all. Your younger brother looks after you and you act like a little boy with no guidance. I do not miss you. I can finally say that. I can finally feel that. Fashion and writing are my two most favorite passions. My passions are my favorite things now to think about. I don't have a boyfriend,  just a really nice guy I am seeing. My house, my son, my career and my hobbies are going to be the things that keep me going.
I cried over neil but now I don't want to. I cried over tony and now I don't feel I love him anymore. I don't love tony. I didn't love tony. Do I still love neil? A little, but I will get there. I will get to the point or no return. Especially when I rejoin the fit campus and the world of emily Senichiama. Emily senichiama. That is my name. The name of the billionaire which is me. I can do this. My real estate homes, my clothing line and real business and my magazine, yes , my own fashion magazine.  Fashion magaizn made of pics of street fashion, health , beauty tips and me behind the senses of fashion shows, well my own fashion shows.
Thinking hopeful again...
Wow, I am happ

Moving on for you

It has been three whole days that I haven't seen your face. I still want to tho. I waited for him to love me in return. But that didn't happen. I wrote to him, and my feelings weren't cared about. I want to run back to him. I want for us to work. To love each other. But he doesn't want to get up. He doesn't want to leave his house. He tells me he hates the light. How can I live with someone like that? He didn't stand up for me when I was scared. He didn't want to live or share a life with me.
Why do I feel guilty for cheating on him? When I should've been a women and let him go. Bc I felt it would get but I didn't have the patients. He wouldn't sleep with me nor next to me. And the last time we had sex, I cried because I knew he wasn't into me. If I would call him right now and to hear his voice, I would cry. Because I want to spend a life with him. But his excuses for everything, for not getting off his ass got to me. I looked at him like some kind of loser. Maybe I should get him off my Facebook. It's getting to hard to see him. A contest reminder. So why do I just want to leave and see him? But when he speaks it words that bring loneliness. Not togetherness.  He wants to live on his own, he doesn't want to be a family or a father to my son.
Should I go over there, to get closer while getting pain? Johnny got his closer.
But what will come out of sewing him, saying and hearing his rejection words? I don't think I should do it. I think I should let neil go. He rejected mike, he rejected me.
So reject him.
The End.
Neil came in during a time I was lonely and deeply depressed. I'm happier now. Neil broke my heart. He said he won't change for me nor for our future. I believe he stopped loving me a long time ago. I didn't want to believe that.
I know now.
So hold your head up Senichiama. You have a new man now. A man that wants you, feed you, and love you. And be a father to mike. He's a father man. A handsome man. A caring man. Everything I was looking for for years. I think I am felling in love with him. And you know what. I think he is feeling the same thing.

You almost Kissed me today.

You almost kissed me today.
You almost loved me today.
To say the words would had been to hard,
For the feelings are still fresh to our hearts.
Today, you let me hold you,
A chore I desperately wanted to am.
Today I almost confess my love for thee.
Today was the day we shared a kiss.
Not just a kiss but, a piece of our hearts.
So I asked to you. Do you love me?
Or am I the lone soldier in this fight?
And am I the only one that wants to be here?

Nice to be back

So I am back. My therapies thought it was a good idea to start writing in my blog again. I sure did miss writing in this thing. All the lovely pictures I have in this blog. All the time I spent and continue to spend posting pictures for this blog without any effort at all. For the simple joy I continue to have with this blog. I love it. The pictures, the pictures I look at for the joy and happiness it brings me. That's all. I'm sitting here listening to Disney songs because it makes me happy. Doing things that make me happy is very important. I do not want to die because I have so many passions to fulfill. Passions like reading a new book a month, looking at lingerie, dressing in lingerie, taking pictures of me in nice outfits. Shopping for new clothes, wearing nice dresses and clothes. Walking into a very nice store that simply bring joy to myself. I want to have my store, a store I have just to bring myself joy. I thought about the autism things but I feel it would be forcing myself to do it, you know. But I look at it for free. I also like to dance and cook healthy food. Going to cooking school would be a passion of mine. I see myself going every morning to my lingerie and dress shop and looking at all the beautiful things I have placed in that store. And it would make a lot of money because I would have passion for it. I would have.

Burnnnnnn, when its my turn
when love
explore shore above
out of the sea
wish I could be
part of that world.

My favorite song.